Seventeen months. I made it seventeen months nursing Kanga. Six of those months while pregnant. Go ahead, pat me on the back and throw me a box of tissue because this is way harder on mama bear than it is on that little girl I’ve been attached to for the past 17 months.
Last night was our first try at weaning. We didn’t nurse during the day, we didn’t nurse to put her to bed but we did nurse a couple times in the night. No longer than one minute each time. She slept much better than previous nights. She woke up half as many times and slept for longer periods in between wakings. I, did not sleep well at all. The baby on the inside was moving way too much and I was busy anticipating Kanga’s wakings and peeing every five minutes.
It took an hour to put Kanga to sleep last night. She had almond milk before bed then just hung out and cuddled. Cuddled and tugged at my heart strings. She fell asleep, and I found a spot to curl up on the couch and shed a few tears. Maybe a little more than a few. Physically, I have been wanting to wean her for a while. I didn’t think it made much sense though, since I would start nursing again so soon. Emotionally I felt that I should give her as much one on one attention and bonding as possible before baby two is earthside. For about a month I would quietly cringe as Kanga would nurse. Not all the time, but enough for me to know that it was time. Between the baby having a party 24/7 and the pain in my legs/ restless leg syndrome, the physical contact of nursing has put me right on the edge.
Yes, I feel like an ass hole saying that.
I also know that it’s for the better.
I woke up this morning and pumped thinking I would have all the milk to expel. That was a joke. I had less than an ounce! I have been a human pacifier for months. How did I not realize this before!?
Today, we nursed once, for about a minute. I went to the store and bought rice cereal to mix with almond milk as a “hot milk” before bed. A special something to start a new routine instead of nursing. I tasted it and it was delicious. Kanga could not care less. She tried it and liked it but couldn’t be bothered. She took her binky, put it in her mouth, cuddled up to me and was out like a light after just a few minutes.
So here I am back on the couch, emotional, and in awe of my little girl. She was ready, I was not. She’s ready to share the nutrients with her brother or sister. We cuddle all the time and play rough and tumble. We are together all the time and clearly are well bonded. She needs me but she doesn’t need my boobies or that boob juice anymore. I must say, I am slightly relieved and also terrified to see how tonight goes.
I’m sure I will have updates. In the meantime, throw me a box of tissues.