Today was shitty. Straight up, shitty.
Little Kanga is on a streak! She is hollering at everything that catches her eye. She sees it, she wants it, in her hand—immediately. If she doesn’t get it she yells even louder, and if she doesn’t get it in her hand—immediately, she cries. The girl has found her voice and is using it like crazy! Whilst yelling at me all morning, she pulls out every little thing off the shelves, out of the cupboards, out of the recycling bin, closet, every single thing in the house, on the ground. On most days it makes me happy. It makes me happy to know she is so active and curious, vocal, healthy and happy. I usually could give two shits about the mess on the ground. Today, not so much. Today I wanted to yell with her. I wanted to walk out of the house yell to the world then curl up in a ball and cuddle with my babe. I wanted to cuddle all day and not do a damn thing. But with a little one year old in the house, those cute little cuddles are not happening. Just madness and irritability because surprise, surprise, some health issues have arisen, again.
We are eleven weeks pregnant with our second babe and this Mama’s body is feeling the stress. I am still nursing my daughter in the evening while growing a babe and it’s a lot of energy out. I am 26 years old and my body has already gone through a good amount. From hormone imbalances, gut dysbiosis, constant urinary tract infections, kidney infections, rashes, the freaking list goes on.
So, today I went to the doctor to try and find some answers to what was going on this time around. To add to my discomfort, our insurance was giving us trouble, again. After sitting in the doctors office, texting my husband while he’s on the phone with the insurance company, and going back and forth with the biller, I got up and walked out full of frustration. I wanted to cry and couldn’t. For whatever reason, I couldn’t just let out a good cry. After being told insurance wouldn’t cover the prescription or a procedure the doctor wanted to do, I still didn’t cry. Just wanted to curl up in that ball and take a break for a little.
I met up with my husband to pick up our girl and the craziness ensued. Kanga is growing up and she is growing up loud, proud and in charge. Holy shit. It’s amazing and maddening all at the same time. We went home and she yelled, she cried, and yelled some more. Kanga yelled, fought sleep, yelled, cried, then passed out. She then woke up from her nap yelling. A little side note, I still didn’t cry. I am super proud and completely confused as to why I haven’t, yet. I didn’t know what to do. I have been frustrated all day, for so many reasons and wasn’t sure how to handle it.
I filled the tub, dumped a few toys in it, grabbed my girl and we took a bath together. We played and laughed, we splashed and then Kanga leaned on me and tucked her head between my arm and my breast and laid there. And in that moment she saved me. We sat in the tub for a while and just hung out. We finally calmed down. The both of us cooled off. I could feel both of our frustration flying away. And in that moment I laughed. No matter what age, we are all going through something. Her little mind, body, and soul are growing so fast. She doesn’t have the words to express the feelings, which means I can’t give her what she wants or needs as quickly as she may need it. There is a lot on my plate but she doesn’t know that. She feels my frustration, she sees my facial expressions and can read my body language but she doesn’t know what is going on.
As frustrated as we get and as much as we want to yell, grab and shake something, tear the house up, as angry and upset as we are that we are unable to achieve or reach something we want, we desperately need each other. As much as my daughter drives me fucking bonkers, she saves me on a daily basis. Her laughs, her love, her genuine kindness, curiosity, and fierceness saves me.
And the first tear comes streaming down.
Cheers Mamas, to our health and our children.
As they say this isn’t easy but it is so damn worth it.