Anticipation.

I haven’t been able to put much on paper recently. Not because there isn’t much to put on paper, but because there is so much I want to put down on paper. We are halfway through our second pregnancy and there are a million and one emotions and thoughts that flood me. So here I will write them down and share them. Maybe it will bring some clarity, calmness, hopefully it will bring me something.

I am excited and scared to have two babes.

I cannot wait to see how they interact and the bond they will have but I am scared shitless for the first three months…maybe six months.

I am worried that I won’t be able to provide Kanga with the attention she needs while providing the baby with what he or she needs.

I know it’ll work out and I will be fine and I have given birth before and I can do it again but that doesn’t change the way I feel. It doesn’t change my concern of childhood baggage showing up though I am working them out.

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The birth of my daughter was beautiful. I don’t remember it as painful, hard, but not painful. I didn’t suffer. I’m aware of the realities of childbirth and I get all in my head about all the things that could happen. Both great and dreadful.

I am worried about postpartum depression.

I am ridiculously excited to watch little Kanga look over the babes moses basket and smile at him or her. To watch her grow into a big sister. To hear her say “Bebe” and rub her head against the baby’s while making cooing sounds. (Yes, we do that pretending to be different animals and show love to her stuffed animals and baby dolls.)

I am worried I will become frustrated with my husband and resent him for working even though I know he has to work. I can get irrational and needy, I know this.

I am worried we will both be so exhausted that we forget ourselves, and our relationship. Deep down I know this won’t happen because of the type of people we are, but it’s still a thought.

I am afraid of feeling a lack of connectedness to everyone around me other than the babes.

I am excited to wrap that little babe to me while I take walks with the little toddler that runs circles around me.

I can’t wait to experience life with these two bundles of love.

I can’t wait to see my husband grow as a father, to grow as a man, once again. To watch the love in his eyes and in his heart grow even more than it already has.

I can’t wait to feel my heart explode with  new love…but I am also afraid that it wont.

I know I am going to be so happy not to be pregnant anymore but I am going to miss it with every ounce of my being.

I also know that this is once again, another transition period.

I know that there are stages and phases that pass, they are scary and exhausting and full of frustration but, I have support. I just need to learn how to ask for help.

My emotions will evolve, my thoughts will evolve, everything evolves.

We are halfway there and it is all starting to get real.

I hold onto our little girl at night and watch her sleep taking in every moment. I wake up to her little face in my face asking for me to read her a book at five am. She drives me crazy and makes me laugh hysterically. For the next four months my focus is that not so little monster who sprinkles laughter, kisses, “buh-byes”, and big smiles wherever she goes.

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I know it’s easy to get all worked up and way ahead of myself. Especially when my day is all about babies all the time. I will have two babes under two. Holy shit.

Thanks for reading my crazy and for the support.

For the mamas with more than one babe, please share your experiences.

Raffaella

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