Slap A Hand Away

I would never touch someone’s face or someone’s body unless I knew them very well or had their permission for whatever reason. I think most of us realize it is an invasion of personal space.

If you’re pregnant, or you’re a baby. That unspoken decency apparently goes out the window. While pregnant with our first, I was shocked as to how many people think it was their place to comment about my size, their prediction of the sex based on my shape, my “dreaded” future, the lack of sleep, the list goes on.

I became super protective of my space while pregnant the first time around. I was thrown off guard a few times and it made my mama instincts come out real fast. I had a homeless, drunken man come up to me while at work at the restaurant I was working at. He got all in my face asking why he couldn’t get the same service as others. As he got closer he began to give me more trouble. Lucky for him, he walked into a BBQ restaurant with steak knives and approached a pregnant woman. I grabbed the knife and hid it under my wrist in case he came too close. I usually wouldn’t go to that extent so soon but I was not going to take any chance with my girl in my belly. One of the few instances where I realized motherhood began much sooner than the first time you hold your baby.

There was another instance when my daughter was about six months where someone I thought my husband knew was playing with our daughter,  grabbed her arms and picked her up…by her arms. By her very delicate and underdeveloped joints. I didn’t speak up this time. I still kick myself for it. My gut told me to, but my husband didn’t seem concerned and the woman had children of her own, so I didn’t speak up. I didn’t want to cause a riff or make it awkward for anyone. I didn’t speak up when I should have. I didn’t have to grab a knife in case I had to shank someone but I should have spoken up and asked her to play with Kanga another way. I could have expressed my concern for her arms. I could have said it nicely.

Fast forward to this past month and I have had many attempts at my belly and even more attempts at my daughter. I had a woman follow me trying to hold my daughter, or pet her, touch, put her hand on my daughter’s head. I put my own hand over my daughter’s head to block her hand and began walking away. She didn’t catch the hint. I asked her to please stop and she decided it was an appropriate time to ask me personal questions. I removed myself and my daughter from the situation immediately.

Just the other day at Michael’s, I was carrying my sleeping daughter on my shoulder when a woman came up to her and enthusiastically exclaimed that she was a baby and she was asleep. Well yes woman, she is clearly a baby and she is clearly asleep so get out of her damn face, back the eff up and quiet your mouth. I didn’t say that. I shushed her, loudly. She got the hint. I surprised myself, honestly. I don’t know why but I didn’t expect to shush her. I was damn proud that I did. I definitely didn’t think about how to react, I just did. And no,  I don’t apologize for being rude–not one bit.

I don’t understand the lack of respect of boundaries especially when you’re pregnant or holding a baby. I know it’s uncomfortable to speak up in situations where you don’t feel comfortable. I missed an opportunity to do so which could have led to my daughter’s arms being pulled out of their sockets. But from the minute you know you’re pregnant, it’s your job to speak up and protect yourself and your unborn child. Learn how to speak up for yourself and your child in the nine months of gestation because you will need to advocate for your child for the rest of their life. You will need to speak up for yourself and your loved ones for as long as you live. It’s a great responsibility that we shy away from because it’s uncomfortable.

But if not you, who?

If you need help, ask. If you want to be left alone, tell that person. If you need a hug, ask. For the first few years of childhood, our children don’t have words to express themselves. For some children they will never have the words to express themselves. That, is our responsibility.

Speak up, don’t let people touch your babies or your bellies if your gut feeling says no or you don’t know them. Go ahead and slap a hand away; and don’t feel guilty for doing so.

Cheers strong women,

Raffaella

 

Are we showing our kids a better alternative?-Noa’s Freestyle Friday

As I reflect on all the children I met on my tour of Spirituality for Kids programs in Colombia and Peru last week, I am struck by how all children, from the poorest to richest, face similar internal challenges. Yes, the life of a poor child can seem to be very different from the life of a rich child, but in essence they are all vulnerable to the same major risks and share the same essential needs.

I see three main risks facing all of our children today. Being conscious of these risks can help us rethink how we interact with our children.

1. The risk of associating power with negativity

Through media and/or real life, kids today are witnessing gang and gun violence, bullying, political and corporate corruption, terrorism, wars, etc. Negativity draws all the attention, and it seems that being powerful and strong goes hand in hand with being “bad.”

When I looked at the eyes of the 8-year-old children in Lima, all I saw was pure Light. Then I thought to myself, “When does this Light get covered by fear, anger, and distrust? And how can we prevent that?”

As parents, we need to ask ourselves: Are we showing our kids a better alternative? Do we believe that our Light is more powerful than our Opponent? Are we helping our kids own their power with love and kindness?

2. The risk of not knowing how to deal with their emotions

How many times do we tell our kids to stop hitting, stop teasing, stop cheating, etc? We are focused on correcting our children’s behavior, but what tools are we providing them with to be successful in dealing with their emotions?

We all have strong negative and reactive emotions at times. Those feelings are valid and even necessary. But the real power lies in the ability to stop before I act and control my next move.

All children need to learn the difference between a reactive feeling and a reactive behavior, with the addition of a helping hand, not a punishing one, to gain the strength to resist.

3. The risk of not being able to overcome challenges

It is hard as parents to see our kids in pain, which is why we constantly try to prevent and save them from challenges. Doing so creates the same result as when we have fever and take a fever reducer – our body stops fighting the fever. We enable our children while taking away their need to fight and their ability to overcome.

And what about the kids who see their parents handling their challenges with violence, drugs, alcohol or depression? Are they being shown how to treat challenges as opportunities?

There are so many steps that we can take as adults to help our children, and we have explored various ones in many of our previous blog posts. But the first step is being aware of these risks the next time we interact with our children at home or in the classroom. The biggest risk of all is when we don’t step up to be their role model.

 written by Michal Berg

You yell, I yell.

Today was shitty. Straight up, shitty.

Little Kanga is on a streak! She is hollering at everything that catches her eye. She sees it, she wants it, in her hand—immediately. If she doesn’t get it she yells even louder, and if she doesn’t get it in her hand—immediately, she cries. The girl has found her voice and is using it like crazy! Whilst yelling at me all morning, she pulls out every little thing off the shelves, out of the cupboards, out of the recycling bin, closet, every single thing in the house, on the ground. On most days it makes me happy. It makes me happy to know she is so active and curious, vocal, healthy and happy. I usually could give two shits about the mess on the ground. Today, not so much. Today I wanted to yell with her. I wanted to walk out of the house yell to the world then curl up in a ball and cuddle with my babe. I wanted to cuddle all day and not do a damn thing. But with a little one year old in the house, those cute little cuddles are not happening. Just madness and irritability because surprise, surprise, some health issues have arisen, again.

We are eleven weeks pregnant with our second babe and this Mama’s body is feeling the stress. I am still nursing my daughter in the evening while growing a babe and it’s a lot of energy out. I am 26 years old and my body has already gone through a good amount. From hormone imbalances, gut dysbiosis, constant urinary tract infections, kidney infections, rashes, the freaking list goes on.

So, today I went to the doctor to try and find some answers to what was going on this time around. To add to my discomfort, our insurance was giving us trouble, again. After sitting in the doctors office, texting my husband while he’s on the phone with the insurance company, and going back and forth with the biller, I got up and walked out full of frustration. I wanted to cry and couldn’t. For whatever reason, I couldn’t just let out a good cry. After being told insurance wouldn’t cover the prescription or a procedure the doctor wanted to do, I still didn’t cry. Just wanted to curl up in that ball and take a break for a little.

I met up with my husband to pick up our girl and the craziness ensued. Kanga is growing up and she is growing up loud, proud and in charge. Holy shit. It’s amazing and maddening all at the same time. We went home and she yelled, she cried, and yelled some more. Kanga yelled, fought sleep, yelled, cried, then passed out. She then woke up from her nap yelling. A little side note, I still didn’t cry. I am super proud and completely confused  as to why I haven’t, yet. I didn’t know what to do. I have been frustrated all day, for so many reasons and wasn’t sure how to handle it.

I filled the tub, dumped a few toys in it, grabbed my girl and we took a bath together. We played and laughed, we splashed and then Kanga leaned on me and tucked her head between my arm and my breast and laid there. And in that moment she saved me. We sat in the tub for a while and just hung out. We finally calmed down. The both of us cooled off. I could feel both of our frustration flying away. And in that moment I laughed. No matter what age, we are all going through something. Her little mind, body, and soul are growing so fast. She doesn’t have the words to express the feelings, which means I can’t give her what she wants or needs as quickly as she may need it. There is a lot on my plate but she doesn’t know that. She feels my frustration, she sees my facial expressions and can read my body language but she doesn’t know what is going on.

As frustrated as we get and as much as we want to yell, grab and shake something, tear the house up, as angry and upset as we are that we are unable to achieve or reach something we want, we desperately need each other. As much as my daughter drives me fucking bonkers, she saves me on a daily basis. Her laughs, her love, her genuine kindness, curiosity, and fierceness saves me.

And the first tear comes streaming down.

Cheers Mamas, to our health and our children.

As they say this isn’t easy but it is so damn worth it.

Raffaella

Why we didn’t name her Tiffany-Noa’s freestyle Friday

Tomorrow we have our baby girl’s baby naming ceremony and until then we don’t reveal her name, nor do we call her by her name.  What the heck is a baby naming ceremony and why won’t you name her Tiffany ,you’re asking? Good questions!

Well, A Hebrew name consists of a number of letters of the Hebrew alphabet. According to mysticism each Hebrew letter is a “pipeline” to bring spiritual energy from the upper worlds to our physical, so although Tiffany is a beautiful name it has no meaning in Hebrew, so no we didn’t go with Tiffany.

This is the reason we find original references to the theory of names, because the person’s Hebrew name is the channel of energy that he receives from the upper spiritual worlds and it affects his whole human essence. Until we recite that special blessing that connects her soul with the chosen name we believe the name is ’empty’ and lacks the ability to protect the newborn’s soul.

 

The name we ,the parents, choose for our baby is actually a ‘small prophecy’. This prophetic inspiration is directed to the parents from above and enables them to give the child the exact name that is destined for him/her.

Why do we write down the exact time of birth? (and sometimes argue with the nurse to correct their hospital’s clock)

A person’s birth date has a very important impact on his/her life. In the original Jewish texts it is stated that the twelve astrological signs are each related to one month of the Hebrew calendar. Each sign has its own potential energy, and this sign influences the soul that was born on that particular month.

In addition to a person’s monthly astrological sign, each soul is also influenced according to which day of the week he/she was born on. Each day corresponds to one of the seven character traits and each hour has its own influence on a person’s soul.

Each letter of the Hebrew alphabet corresponds to a different part of the human physical makeup, so numerology and how we write her name in Hebrew has a lot of meaning.

These three concepts together (month, day and time) constitute a person’s luck and life opportunities.

Having said this, it’s important to mention that although these concepts apply to each soul, they do not control the baby, and every newborn has the soul power to control and rise above their luck. In other words, although this luck does exist, the person can work to change it.

You think that’s a lot? just try explaining this to your Catholic mother in law, who wants to name her Margaret…

Happy Baby naming ceremony!

Noa

BIRTHFIT, Dadswagger, and TalkingBabyBumps

It is incredibly nice to be around like minded people. People who see that there is something so important missing in the birth world, in the world that represents women, and the world that represents family. I am speaking about a couple of ladies ahead of a big movement called BIRTHFIT. Dr. Lindsay Matthews (Founder) and Emily Russak (Head Coach) are making moves inspiring and empowering women to choose health in all its forms. They are leading women to actively participate in nutrition, mindset, chiropractic, and fitness during their journey from pre-natal care to postpartum care.

Last night, my husband and I stopped on over to their headquarters to sit down for a nice chat about all things birth. We spoke about our decision to choose a midwife, support during pregnancy, labor, post-partum, partners, family, and the future. Tonight we continued the conversation that needs to be had more often. A conversation about being informed about the decisions you make regarding your body and your family. They are important decisions that we sometimes make based on societal norms and what is expected, rather than information gathered and figuring out what falls in line with ones own beliefs.

Our goal here was to start conversation, and inspire conversation. It makes people uncomfortable to talk about all things baby making. It makes people uncomfortable to talk about baby making parts, we don’t even talk to our children using proper terminology. We don’t want to tell them that a boy has a penis, and a girl has a vagina. God forbid we use the P and V word.

These baby making conversations including sex, labor, birth, the pain, the discomfort of all the things that come along with pregnancy to post-partum and into parenthood. These conversations create new norms. These conversations push the boundaries where women can talk about being abused, where boys can talk about being sexually assaulted, because it doesn’t only happen to women. Let’s talk about these taboo topics so they are no longer taboo. So they don’t have to debilitate men and women.

These conversations push boundaries so the medical system can take a look at their practices, so more women can push through labor walking around and squatting rather than being attached to so many machines to monitor mama and baby during a low risk pregnancy. These discussions push doctors to take active roles in the care for pregnant and birthing mothers not just fifteen minute visits.

The power of these conversations, though they may not seem so powerful to some, are incredibly empowering to others. These conversations are not to judge other mothers, they are not to judge families but to make us question why we do the things we do. It doesn’t mean you have to change your decision. But take a second, think about what it is you are doing and the why behind it.

This all probably comes across as preachy. I would apologize, but I could not stress this enough. As mothers and families we need to cause change in society in order to gain support for our needs. We can’t do that if we don’t have honest conversations with each other. We can’t change those social norms or get what we need from those around us, without bringing awareness to the topics. No one is going to change a thing unless we ask for help. This is us asking for help. By telling our stories and sharing our opinions with one another we create strength in community. That strength in community no matter how small, spreads. It spreads to those who change legislation, to those who push our agendas.

I am honored to share this space, to share our voices and experiences with the amazing women at BIRTHFIT and the father of Dadswagger.

Check it out on itunes, Google Play, or click on the link over at BIRTHFIT next week, I lied- click on it now, they have very special ladies and gentleman, doctors, fathers, and athletes who share their stories.

We’ll keep the reminders coming.

Raffaella

Praise.

When we speak about motherhood, I have found that we so quickly focus on the challenges and shortcomings of society, the help that is so lacking, and on and on. I’m not saying that these aren’t important because believe you, me, there is no end to the conversations I could have about all of the above topics and every tiny detail that falls under each. There is a lack of help and unity within communities that leaves so many families in the dust and trampled. There are women who can’t pull themselves together to put one foot in front of the other due to a lack of support, postpartum depression or a number of other reasons. There is not enough talk about the subject, about women, about mothers, about children, about childbirth. That being said, I feel there is even less talk about mothers who do rise-up. The mothers who are self-aware enough to get up and out of the house regardless of how depressed or shitty they feel. What I want to do today is focus on these women, these caregivers, rather. I say mamas but it is not limited to mothers.

To the mamas who take an honest look at themselves and say, “Shit, I’m in trouble.” To the mamas who recognize that the deep hole is only going to get deeper if they don’t pull themselves out of it every day over and over, regardless. Yes, there is a baby, babies and children to attend to. You have to get out of bed because you have to take care of them, right? Wrong. So many women are so overwhelmed by the responsibility and are struggling so much that they don’t get out of bed, they don’t help themselves. Which means they won’t be able to take care of anyone. You see, there is always a choice. Some have fallen so low past the ground that they aren’t able to get up, they know there is a choice but for them, they don’t see it yet.

To the mothers who drag their asses out the door and manage everyone’s lives plus their own, regardless of the intense anxiety and odd feeling of despair while holding a beautiful baby in front of you. You recognize that if you don’t do it, no one will.

Battle ship hit, not sunk. Maybe flooded, but not sunk.

Mama, I applaud you and admire every ounce of your will to get to the park and meet other mothers. I applaud your motivation to find free yoga classes and mommy and me classes. I am so proud to call you a friend and a woman in the community. What you may not know is that your strength shines. What you may not get is a pat on the back, but I would hug you a million times over. You may not realize that you’re not only saving yourself but your saving other mamas around you.

To the mamas with the silent strength.

You inspire me.

Thank you.

Raffaella

Wednesday’s Words

I write this entry with sadness and frustration.

I overheard a woman talk about how she was 20 weeks pregnant and has already gained about ten pounds. She called herself fat and laughed it off. I stepped in and explained that it’s not just a baby that counts for the new weight, there are fluids feeding your baby, a placenta, the sac, umbilical chord, etc… I pointed out, “There’s a whole lot that comes out of you during birth other than a baby.” She was clearly shocked.

There are so many things that frustrate me and make me sad regarding this situation.

It is a result of low self-esteem and a lack of self-love and kindness that a woman speaks about herself in this way. It is all the doubt and fear and put downs she has experienced in the past that come up, not only in the woman’s daily thoughts and way of being but especially during the time of pregnancy.

It is also a lack of connection to the fact that as a pregnant woman, you have chosen the responsibility to nourish a baby and to bring that baby earth-side after nine months of love, nutrition, and creating a healthy home for the baby in utero. With that decision, whether or not you are conscious of it, you have decided to do something that is bigger than yourself. Eat lots of healthy food, slow down when your body aches and tells you it needs to rest, stretch, workout, maintain that healthy lifestyle, or strive for that healthy lifestyle for the benefit of your baby and yourself during this beautiful, challenging time. It’s not just physical health that we should strive for though, mental and emotional health need to be a priority. Your baby feels happiness and sadness, it hears laughter and arguing. Even in utero, our babies pick up our emotional and mental well being.

I took about a month off work before my daughter was born due to pain. I sat with this belly and made myself get real. I am so grateful for that time.

I don’t want to write this to talk about the importance of nutrition or what to eat or how to workout. I want to press the issue of taking the time of the nine months to work through the negative self-talk. The hurt we have endured, however it may have presented itself in your life, will come up during your birth as a mother and the birth of your baby. The lack of confidence in yourself will show up when you are in labor where there is naturally doubt and fear that arises, already. It can and will hinder your ability to make decisions for yourself and your baby when push comes to shove, literally. After birthing your beautiful baby, it will cloud your judgement when making decisions for your baby, your girl, your boy, your children. It’s the shitty reality of lessons we must learn, whatever those may be for us as individuals.

Take the nine months and dig deep to break the insecurities and face the very real doubt and emotions that flood us during this time. Dig even deeper to recognize where your insecurities come from and how you can act differently to support yourself, rather than bash yourself. Label your fears, write them down, then burn them. When those feelings come up just as they did for this woman, recognize the emotions say, “Dang that seems like a lot, but I am healthy and my baby is healthy and that’s what matters.” then move on. Change your perspective. Talk to yourself the way you want to build your own child up. If your parents bashed you, it’s probably because of their own insecurities they didn’t deal with, wherever those may have stemmed from. You are a product of that in some regard. Don’t let that interfere with your birth. That experience is beautiful and a beastly in it’s own right!

It is far easier said than done, but don’t allow your hurt to trickle down to your children. It will seep into the way you raise them and it will continue to be your own deep hurt. We have all experienced lives that are very real, painful experiences that cut to our core. I am not saying they will be erased, I am not saying to forget them, but recognize them and use them for your own self-growth.

This is the beginning of a very long conversation, I realize that. The recognition of previous pain is the beginning of healing. As women, there are already so many forces working against us in society, let’s not work against ourselves. Let’s build that self-love. We are a hell of a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit. I’m guilty of it and I know the majority of women are guilty of it. Wake up in the morning and say, “I am woman, hear me roar.” then go out and slay ladies.

With so much love and encouragement,

Raffi